being scared of spontaneity led to laying in my own bed, letting myself be sad about nothingness while interstates and highways sprawl their way to you. they make you tangible. i know if i drove long enough, you’d be at the other end of the pavement. and i need that sort of certainty. and i need to be crushed beneath nighttime skies. beneath roaring jets. fleeting love. a can of caffeine on the shoulder of the road. could you keep me steady through winter? a sick soldier that’s full of bullets. it’s never as bad as i can make it sound. i just want to come alive again. like when the warmth of liquor first hits the top of your stomach. i’ve given myself over to companies just to keep myself alive. i give them my time, and they give me the money to spend in their stores to feed this body. put their waste down my throat. keep me on the earth. in this life. i guess i do exist. or when i move people react. and if i’ll ever scream, you will know me. and i want to scream. in front of everyone. to cause a scene to see if anyone is here, too. to get it all out. purge. throw up. these emotions that shake me down. i want to hurt others. i want to know, do the people i see around me feel things? i see them making small talk with anything with ears, but do they exist? are they real? can i make you alive to me? can i see suffering in front of me? will it make me cry? i want to know the reasons for having a soul. being here, what do i mean? what does my life mean? these things i think, what do they amount to? do they go down in someone’s book? is someone keeping up with me? do i matter?
in your cities i am small and naive. in your department stores i am dumb to customs, but you built it up, and i was born into it. and i fear Death like a stranger reaching to grab my shoulders. rounding corners with intent focus on my beat. a dog on my trail. its muscles rolling small waves of black hair down the sidewalk. that dark wave coming towards me. teeth showing like bones, like knives.